I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles