Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.