Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!