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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Whoa 😂
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
tourist season
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!