*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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i’m sure it’s fine
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard