launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Guilty! 🤪
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.