I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
At least try to make it slightly believable
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?