Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
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Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
thinking about a very short hotdog
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
True statement👍😏😁
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?