A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
why no one uses midhusbands
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion