You Might Also Like
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan