[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
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“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN