will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Uh oh…
dutch so unserious
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.