Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You Might Also Like
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means