it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
You Might Also Like
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.