*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.