Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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monday
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable