[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
pls suprot
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral