Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game