Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
He took my last fry, your honor
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*