“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
You Might Also Like
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
That’s enough internet for the day
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.