So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Thinking about Jeff
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
This is my emotional support knife.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.