Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
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THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Dietest Coke
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?