[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger