Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
The Struggle
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.