My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.