Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.