Me sliding into hell like
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
kitchen magnet
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born