*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.