Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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quarantine day 3
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*