I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?