I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Sniffing the broccoli
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.