Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.