*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Not today
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
It’s an epidemic…
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow: