How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.