“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.