So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The internet is magic sometimes.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
*seductively eats two tums*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Weirdly Wednesday.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Trying
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.