Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I’d hang this in my house.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.