me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Heroic Misunderstanding
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.