7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.