Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.