I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.