No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
You Might Also Like
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang