Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.