Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
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Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me: