ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
i baked you a cake
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊