high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Beware…..
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.