You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
You Might Also Like
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”