Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no