Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Sing it!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.