Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
You Might Also Like
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?